i'm damn scared... how to last when i can't even ask you a single question now without feeling scared that you'll scold me....
you don't ask me questions cos you know i will definitely tell you, even the slightest details.
if i don't ask you, you'll be gone from my life completely. you will never tell me at all de.
i really can't believe we got into a quarrel cos of this.
my vision's blurring...i never could understand why i would have liked my ex...and now you.
give me some reasons to like you, i beg you.
now i really really don't even understand you already... so please stop using "i thought you know i would do this and that..." or "huh? you dunno MEH?"

it just pains me to hear that from you, at the moment.

i'm sorry..
i really really don't know how to treat you nice anymore.
i don't know why i just keep on scolding you everytime you don't do according to my wishes, i know i am too much, but i just can't change.
i really need time.
i guess i became like you, too lazy to really think.
if it was the old me, i'd have cried like mad when i said the things i said on friday, but i didn't.
i did not even shed a tear.
sigh.
i really don't know what the future holds for me, but now that i've made my decision..
i guess i ought to do the best that i chose to do bah.
but first i need you to show me that you're the one that truly understands me, the one that compels me to work hard for you.
the one that is worth me to give you a second chance..

all i need is time, and that's all i lack

hey junhao.
i know it's a long time since i posted anything on my blog for you..when im supposed to,
so here it goes!

idk why things have turned this way, i wanna know whyy tooooo D:
i really really gave you alot of chances, i never hinted anymore, i obviously told you, but now, i still dont get what i want even though i TOLD you i wanted it.
i really wanna believe that you still like me alot, but i can't.
you don't show it.
you're lazy to even do the simplest thing for me..
idk what has gotten into you since hockey trainings began, you're like a totally different person.
you never wanted to do anything much for me, you really really became like a girl, complain and rant and never stops , grudgingly doing the things only after that.
you never gave me my card on time. it's only one year that you cared to do so, but even so, you did it last minute just for the sake of giving it to me so i wouldn't be angry.
every time for a few months you never done any cards on time can!
and you even felt sad when i said i didn't want to make you a card for one year, so how many months have you made me sad!

you always say i spoil the mood when you're sending me home,
but have you wondered how many times your pouts like a girl could spoil mine too?
you only care to think about yourself, but you never sat down to think about what if you're in my position :(

and all the time you've been lazy,
not wanting to do ANY reflection, and keep pushing the blame on me.
you're just so slack, so lackadaisical.
on the day of my briefing, you were the one who said you wanted to fetch me!
i told you i didnt even know how to get there, but you just refused to even check it out for me or bring me there.
well, alot of people expected you to bring me there, i told them it won't happen.
i was right.
even my ex could check it out for me, when he wasn't even the first person to know i need to go there. it was you!
urgh.
it's not the end, i told you to make a decision to whether to fetch me or not, you told me you were going to either send me there or send me back.
that's saddening enough, but nvm, i take it that world cup happens only once in 4 years, so i let it go. i made you decide cos i wanted to know what you would do when i dont tell you to. i want you to be decisive. i want to know how much you care and love me.
i guess it proves everything.
you didn't come.
you freakin don't care!!
you KNOW how long a briefing can be, you could at least made your way down, instead of staying at the same spot idk doing what! but i don't really care.
it's enough to prove le.

best still, there's more!
you couldn't even wake up to text me before my camp started!
all in the name of soccer!-.-
omg i hate world cup so much now.
your fb status, me: world cup = 1:10
cool.
suckfest.
i feel like swearing.
you freakin failed your test, needless to say:(
and on the day of my break camp, i ALREADY told you that you can come and fetch me, you promised me you will, and i was rather happy waiting for that.
but obviously, everything with you wouldn't happen.
idk what the FUCK happened to you and you told me you don't have the mood.
you dont even bother to come to tuition to fetch me.
you slacked outside instead.
cooooool D:
i hate you man.

thanks for always NOT being there for me. THANKS.
idk what i can expect from you anymore.
you're totally not the guy i used to like.
really hope time can work back like the sands of time in prince of persia..
back to the sweet and awesomely lovely days(:
i pray, i wish, i hope too.

You're gone for the first day of hockey camp and i miss you like crazy already. I guess i only bothered to ask you to write posts for me, yet i did not write a single nice one for you. Sorry dear! Haha, nevermind, here it goes~!

Hey-yo dear! Happy 8 MONTHS and 1 DAY!:)
My life really changed alot after being with you! Today you were singing the song "I knew i love you before i met you" to me at the void deck! For that moment my heart really M-E-L-T!! Like totally! OMG. Sorry for always looking at my vector notes arh! It's not that they are more important or appealing than my dearest, but i really dunno how to react! I could have hugged you if not we're in school! HAHAHA. So pardon me for sometimes laughing to myself suddenly, it's always the case that i'm thinking of doing something sweet for you, or i thought of something that you did for me(: *crossing fingers cos maybe i have thought of something to scam you LOL*

I really can't THANK YOU enough for ALLLLLLLL the AWESOME, BEST-EST, CUTE, DARING, TERRIFIC, AND WONDERFUL THINGS YOU'VE DONE FOR ME! I may not have shown you my acknowledgement, a smile or a friendly squeeze or hug, but that doesn't mean i don't know, and don't care about you.

I love you for being there for me everytime, even when you don't, i know you still wish you were with me.

I love you for always shielding me from the 17ºC classroom by bringing your jacket! And even on the most tiring (or shag!) hockey training days, you never fail to put it on your arm, and carry my file despite the weight.

Right from the start, you have always take a look at the aircons of the bus, and made sure it's not blowing directly at me at the start of every ride.

I love you for always putting me at first place. Sometimes after i complain, it means nothing to me anymore, but you still made a point to change, and keep me company more in class, that i have no choice but to stay dependent on you, to an extent that without you i feel that my life is so d.e.a.d.

I love the way you touch my head sometimes, it makes me feel so loved and have the hey-girl-you're-mine kinda feeling!

I love the way you brag to Sandra and QQ about us! HAHA, random holding hands in class and squeezing to make sure we are okay.

I love you for being sensitive too! Not that i don't like it, it's more likely i'm not used to it yet. I like the way you stop whatever you're doing just to check out if i'm alright. I waste your time (but you'll say i'm always worth your time, and my time will always be waiting for you. Not emo wor, cos time and tide waits for no-one!xD )

I love the way you squirm away when i tickle you, the way you look when you believe my scam (aha!), the way you reject my coleslaw and baked beans and other saucy stuff when i didnt have intention to let you eat. You look really unique and cute in every action you do.

I love the way you don't get upset when i say some other guys are cute! You even say you're better, totally love your optimism and of course, its definitely NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT. No matter how often i say someone's cute, it can never be compared to you. They are only words that come out from my mouth, but the person that stays in my heart is the one i truly know is the cutest and charming guy i'd ever want to have.

I love the way you listen to me too! I am not mad at you for asking me to repeat a second time already, and getting your attention first before saying things slower doesn't mean i'm pissed too! I will repeat for you nicely now, cos i know YOU LOVE TO STONE, but caution: LEARN TO ROCK MORE OKAY!x) I may not repeat in a nice tone (sometimes) is because i've already gotten it after i asked, and scared of breaking my MRT of thoughts! But nevertheless, i never got pissed or angry as i complain about you, or talk to you. I can't hate you for failing to do something, when you have accomplished much more than i have ever wanted and needed.

I love you for sending me home too! Even when it's so inconvenient for you, even when it's so damn late that you may be boarding the last few trains, you still make a point to send me home, unless i asked you not to. The most touching thing is when you were still feeling ill and yet you wanted to send me home! Sometimes while walking home alone makes me think of you too! Think of the times i brought you around my neighbourhood, the things we said while walking at the exact place last time. Everything i see i really think of you, like how we hold hands walking home from different routes, to avoid crowd and to explore. You make me feel so loved.

I love you, for always treating me! I know you do not have enough cash, yet all you ever think of was me. I know very well you have dinner at home, yet you would never want me to eat alone. For as long as you can make it, you will eat with me and go home to eat again. This may sound to you like a repeat, but it simply means i appreciate it alot! You never cared for yourself more than you care for me.

I love you for not shirking the responsibility of a boyfriend. You are always there to rectify the problem and make changes so that we can last. You always make sure we talk things out so that things don't fall apart so easily. I know you're tired, yet you still do so much stuff for me, for us.

I love you, for always trying to make me happy. I am glad that you have put in sooooo soooooooo much effort to make things good for us, ps-ing your friends just to have a nice meal and chat with me. You buy random stuff to cheer me up too. You do retarded actions just to make the smile on my face. You sing high songs to influence me not to sing emo songs! You sacrifice for me ungrudgingly though you may be tired, though you may not like it. You hide your grudge from me so that i can be happy. I am more than happy to have this kind of guy with me!

AND I LOVE YOU FOR SNEAKILY TYPING A BLOG POST WITHOUT ME KNOWING! Checking if i ever go to your blog huh huh! Sneaky guy omg. Sorry that has been unvisited since the last time i asked you to blog, i will visit it more often i suppose hahaha!~ nevertheless i feel very touched and loved(: thanks dear, i love every post you written for me(:

I guess i can only describe you as my-kinda-guy, cos there's really no words that can ever describe how much you've done, and how much you mean to me! I'm quite glad that things turn out this way. Thrashing things out; stabilising; crying over and laughing over it; no relationship is perfect, ever. Some ways we have to bend, to compromise, to give up something in order to gain something greater. Our love for each other is bigger than these differences that we have. When you hurt each other but take each other back in a heartbeat…that’s love. I guess we have hurt each other in some ways or another, but have never totally gave up on each other.

I'm somehow glad that such differences surfaced now, than later, or never. At least i can tell others i know more about my guy now, i know what to do at certain times. I know things can never be smooth and perfect always, if it is so, i'd have never known how to cherish you by my side. The disorientation that has happened, though over a month long, but it made me cherish things when they go right for us.

I've always wanted to make alot alot of friends, or want to have superficial friends around me. But now i realise, it's not nicholas or anyone that have been with me for the longest, but it's who is always beside me, never leaving, never letting go. It's you, dear. Even if the whole world turns their back on me, i know you'll be there for me, and you'll know i'll always want to be there for you too.

The following quote really describes my feeling now as you're slogging real hard at hockey camp! Here it goes:
Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists. When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence.

This is how i'm feeling now. I'm incomplete without you. I need your love to give me strength and determination in everything i do; i need your smile to brighten my life; i need your hands to bring me everywhere you go; i need your arms around me, to make me feel comfortable and safe; i need your protection and your care, to let me know that i'm not alone; i need your heart to let me know that i'm always the one making your heart beat for every millisecond that i'm loving you; i need your fingers to put on my left shoulder, protruding your index finger just to poke my cheek; i need your eyes, too always keep an eye on me, spy at me if i ever pick my face, and care for me from the look of your loving eyes.
Everything about you made me neer want to let you go ever again.. I really just want to stay wrapped in your arms forever, just like in tent date, where nothing else matters but you and me.

Hehe, you should know i'm not getting emo, i'm just writing out how i really do feel about my dear! I'm holding on to something dear, and no matter what happens to us again, darling, be sure that i will not leave you again. I am not so weak in my mind to give up on you so easily; i know my heart promise, and i'll keep by it in everyday that my heart is beating(: You've made me realise so much wonderful things in my life that i've always missed. You've taught me things i never knew, and never dared to ask anyone else but you. You are the one and only boyfriend i've been searching for all this while, and now that i have you, nothing can let me give up on you again.

You know you're with the right person when you kiss them... and your soul turns a brighter shade of red(: Junhao, my soul turned from maroon to crimson red after i met you!( differentiate the colours ah!) I've accepted you as who you are, have faith in me, like how i always will have faith in you.

Everything happens for a reason; that's why i love you.

LOL.
to yy: i shouldn't make this my private blog lah, i still wanna talk crap here bout other stuff de mah. i wanna call you tonight HAHA.

anyway, i doubt anyone's reading haha.
just found out some things by myself hahaha.
maybe i should just stop asking;
i dont know.
i dont wanna know anything more.

sticking by my own rules; toodles.

hey darling! this post is specially dedicated to YOU!

it's been our 163rd day together! like what you've said, it's really not too long, neither is it short, but its long enough to make me fall for you so deeply, loving you a whole lot too!

being with you always gives me a special feeling. it makes me feel loved, feel cared for, and feel safe and secure.
just like the time we were in the tent. i know i was freaking scared, frantically wanting the stupid cockroach to get out of the tent, but it just wouldn't budge. and though you simply murmured "don't worry, i'll protect you...", hugging me and falling back to sleep (like immediately), i knew at that instant i felt a whole lot calmer. i feel your warm breath on me, i felt your heartbeat pumping right beside mine, i feel blissful, and soon fell back to sleep.

and, the grasscutting incident. i never knew i was so afraid of grasscutting til now. the sound of the cutters, the flying of the grass (or perhaps any other things that got in the way of the cutters)...it simply freaked me out as the sound approached me. thanks dear, for letting me hide in your arms. thanks for reassuring me that everything was gonna be alright. i really, really felt safe.

this relationship has taught me alot alot too!
i will learn to say things without being threatened.
i learnt that even though things may not go the way it was planned, making the best situation out of it, still does make everything meaningful, or even more meaningful.
things don't go the way we planned it, and i (hope i ) learnt not to plan anything.
like what i used to say, go with the flow and see how it goes. i guess i have to do what i preach LOL.
when things are not planned, though irritance seem to show on my face, but its really not the case, dear. i enjoy the moment spent with you. the surprises you give me, the surprises we receive when our plan becomes unsuccessful. LOL.

i love the movie 2012!!! though there's some awkward moments with your sis, but with time im so gonna gang up with your sis and bully you man! :):P:D
on the way home i went to ponder, thinking about what would i do if world's gonna come to an end. the only thing i thought was to spend the remaining time with you. smiling at you...bickering with you...lying in your arms... i just wanna be around you, to know that i have had a meaningful and enriching life, a life story that has taught me many, many things. And of course, its only you that made me feel this way(:

dear.. though you may have heard of this soooo many times, but i really wanna express my thanks to you, for making these 5 months plus, such a magical part of my life. i can truly say that it's the best time of my life to be spending part of my sweet 16 and now 17th year with you. You never failed to care about me, to give me the love and concern that i need, the attention that i want, and the time that is ever so precious to you, yet you gave it all to me. Thanks for everything you've given me. I will never wanna make you sad with my actions or words anymore! You are the missing piece in my life. Thanks darling, for making it complete. Thanks darling, for being who you are. I love you, i always do..

13112009
爱你的老婆！

Time flies..
It has been 5 months with junhao already (:
Today was judgement day..
it can be a surprise, or a more expected outcome, that there are retainees in our class of 1SB6.
Though i may not be so close with them, or didn't have the chance to, but to see them not moving along as i am, i really feel the sadness.
hmm, and i feel kinda guilty sometimes, for neglecting my classmates and girl friends over and over again. Emo-ed cos i went broke today. I was like thinking how many groups of friends and how many outings i should have, but how little money i have.. hai.

It was a fun day today with junhao and the rest with the bingos. (:
then suddenly after calling junhao a retard jokingly, he simply used his right knuckles and drilled it into my head, with his left hand keeping firm of my neck that i had no chance to move. oh man, it was PAIN LIKE SHIT. First time crying out cos of pain. i guess he pressed on my old wound where i knocked hard cos of the brake in my grandpa's car. hai. EMONESS throughout.

sorry dear..
i got pissed for not being able to find you. sorry for not being there for you to rub my head for me. i didnt blame you, and i didn't want you to worry. im sorry...
though i promised you a blog post, i know it should turn out like this. dont be like me... dont feel guilty anymore okay?

i love you the way you are, and everything about you. really, i do. you also didn't want this to happen anyway, and u did not do it intentionally. im alright dear, smile always okay? i love you always...

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grow taller!This

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more friends(:

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